Little Debi

Today is a hard day for me. You see, thirty three years ago today, I had a very beautiful baby girl, I named Debi Marie. Because of circumstances, I had to put Little Debi up for adoption. It hurts every Feb. 28th. To be honest, it hurts, just hurts at anytime. It was truly the hardest thing I have ever had to do. My daughter needed a mother and a a father. She also needed a stable environment. She would not have had that with me. I have had a bad childhood and she did not deserve one too.
I always said, "no one would ever take my baby from me." Well, I was wrong. I had to let her go for her own good. Usually I'm selfish and if it's going to hurt me or make me sad, I take care of my feelings first. This was just to important to look to my needs first. This was my little girl's life and I had to take it seriously.
When I went to the adoption agency I asked about the couple who would raise my little girl. The woman had been pregnant and lost the baby when she was six months along. She then found out that she would not be able to have anymore children. Her husband owned his own business. The wife worked in a lab of some sort and said she would quit her job to take care of Little Debi. I was brought up Catholic and I did not want that for her. The couple were Lutheran. I had gone to a Lutheran Church before and had liked it.
I was living with my sister, Debi, in my third trimester. She had told me that I could live with her and take care of the baby there and she would help me. I almost went along with that, I just knew I wouldn't be able to give her up, without even seeing her. The night before I went into labor, I watched a movie called, Unwed Father. The mother took care of her baby in the hospital while she was there and then gave the child up. I knew then, that if I could take care of my child while in the hospital, talk with her, change her...that I then would be able to let her go to her new parents, her real parents. So, I held her, I changed her, checked her fingers and toes, had many one sided conversations with her and held and sang to her.
When it was time, I just died. Walking out of that hospital without her in my arms. It hurt so much! I never cried so much in my life. I kept telling myself that it was for Little Debi that I was doing this.
I made sure that I signed the adoption papers as soon as I could, which was March 11. My reasoning for that was that I did not want her parents to miss out one minute longer then they had to, of her first days. That is a very special bonding time and the waiting to me was very stupid. I know it was for me to make sure that this was what I really wanted to do. But, in doing so, that couple missed almost 2 weeks of their new baby's life. That made me sad.
I sent a few clothes, blankets and booties along with little Debi and also two letters. The first one was to Little Debi. I told her that she was to love her parents and that I loved them very much for taking her in with so much love for her. I was not the one who fixed a skinned knee, or held her when her heart was broken by some boy. They are her real parents in every sense of the word. It didn't matter that they didn't give birth to her. The second letter was to her parents thanking them for the wonderful gift they were giving Little Debi and that I loved them for that. I asked them to give the letter to her when she was older and could understand.
I can not believe that I'm sharing this with any of you who read it. My heart would break at every special holiday and her birthday. I truly know what it means when someone says they have a broken heart. I now try to smile when I say happy birthday. I imagine her with her own family, her own children. What joy that brings me. I have two other children, dragonfly and my son, Sam. I would love to see Little Debi again and give her hugs and so much love. I was going to look for her but it worried my husband. He had seen me hurt so much by people, in the past that he was afraid that little Debi would be mad at me for giving her up. I didn't do it then for his sake, but I feel it may be time to really try now to find her. I don't even know her but I have so much love in my heart for her.
Thank you for taking time to read this. I hope in some way it will touch your heart.