Little Debi

Today is a hard day for me. You see, thirty three years ago today, I had a very beautiful baby girl, I named Debi Marie. Because of circumstances, I had to put Little Debi up for adoption. It hurts every Feb. 28th. To be honest, it hurts, just hurts at anytime. It was truly the hardest thing I have ever had to do. My daughter needed a mother and a a father. She also needed a stable environment. She would not have had that with me. I have had a bad childhood and she did not deserve one too.
I always said, "no one would ever take my baby from me." Well, I was wrong. I had to let her go for her own good. Usually I'm selfish and if it's going to hurt me or make me sad, I take care of my feelings first. This was just to important to look to my needs first. This was my little girl's life and I had to take it seriously.
When I went to the adoption agency I asked about the couple who would raise my little girl. The woman had been pregnant and lost the baby when she was six months along. She then found out that she would not be able to have anymore children. Her husband owned his own business. The wife worked in a lab of some sort and said she would quit her job to take care of Little Debi. I was brought up Catholic and I did not want that for her. The couple were Lutheran. I had gone to a Lutheran Church before and had liked it.
I was living with my sister, Debi, in my third trimester. She had told me that I could live with her and take care of the baby there and she would help me. I almost went along with that, I just knew I wouldn't be able to give her up, without even seeing her. The night before I went into labor, I watched a movie called, Unwed Father. The mother took care of her baby in the hospital while she was there and then gave the child up. I knew then, that if I could take care of my child while in the hospital, talk with her, change her...that I then would be able to let her go to her new parents, her real parents. So, I held her, I changed her, checked her fingers and toes, had many one sided conversations with her and held and sang to her.
When it was time, I just died. Walking out of that hospital without her in my arms. It hurt so much! I never cried so much in my life. I kept telling myself that it was for Little Debi that I was doing this.
I made sure that I signed the adoption papers as soon as I could, which was March 11. My reasoning for that was that I did not want her parents to miss out one minute longer then they had to, of her first days. That is a very special bonding time and the waiting to me was very stupid. I know it was for me to make sure that this was what I really wanted to do. But, in doing so, that couple missed almost 2 weeks of their new baby's life. That made me sad.
I sent a few clothes, blankets and booties along with little Debi and also two letters. The first one was to Little Debi. I told her that she was to love her parents and that I loved them very much for taking her in with so much love for her. I was not the one who fixed a skinned knee, or held her when her heart was broken by some boy. They are her real parents in every sense of the word. It didn't matter that they didn't give birth to her. The second letter was to her parents thanking them for the wonderful gift they were giving Little Debi and that I loved them for that. I asked them to give the letter to her when she was older and could understand.
I can not believe that I'm sharing this with any of you who read it. My heart would break at every special holiday and her birthday. I truly know what it means when someone says they have a broken heart. I now try to smile when I say happy birthday. I imagine her with her own family, her own children. What joy that brings me. I have two other children, dragonfly and my son, Sam. I would love to see Little Debi again and give her hugs and so much love. I was going to look for her but it worried my husband. He had seen me hurt so much by people, in the past that he was afraid that little Debi would be mad at me for giving her up. I didn't do it then for his sake, but I feel it may be time to really try now to find her. I don't even know her but I have so much love in my heart for her.
Thank you for taking time to read this. I hope in some way it will touch your heart.

Good morning everyone,
I hope my daugher, Dragonfly doesn't mind. This was written my her, for me for mother's day. The date was May 14, 2000.

Sometimes a bunny is more than a bunny.

Most look and see something
old, a worn and ragged
rabbit named Whiskers who doesn't
actually have any whiskers.
His stuffing migrates
to his feet and he is beyond
needing a bath.

But he is not just fabric
and fur, He whispers
without speaking, hugs without
moving, loves without a beating
heart. Without a mouth
he smiles. And even in the dark,
you see.

Thanks Dragonfly. What a wonderful memory you have given me of Whiskers. He will live in my heart forever and this poem will too.

Thanks for the warm welcome!

Hello all, and thank you soooo much for the nice warm welcome you have given me. You all make me feel...loved. I know alot of you already from my daughter's blog, dragonfly. I love reading all your comments....especially about my wonderful grandson. Isn't he adorable! Sound like a grandma don't I. I think I was born to be a grandma and a crazy one at that!
Are alot of you stay home moms? I was when my kids were small....a hundred years ago. I think I'm finding it hard to figure out what to write and also finding time between, work, housework, church functions and of course, talking with my daughter on the internet and watching my grandson grow up on it. Speaking of church functions....I'm suppose to be a church for praise team practice 5 minutes ago! To all of you, thanks again for visiting me. :)

The "Whiskers" in my life.

Growing up in my family, well let's just say not everything was , rosie. So, I brought some insecurities into my grown up life....like most people.
When my daughter was 8 and my son, 4, we went to a craft show at West Catholic High School. There, I found the sweetest homemade bunnie. I purchased him and named him Whiskers. He had no whiskers on his face, so hence the name Whiskers. He went everywhere with me. He was in fact, my security bunnie. He slept with me everynight. I held him under his front paws all the time. He had NO stuffing left where I held him! It all moved down to him bottom. People would laugh at Whiskers, but to me he was just very muched loved. I had to restuff him many times. He was truely a sorce of comfort to me and my insecurities.
Once I went to camp for a week to be "bunnymom" to all the conselor's children. I had forgotten Whiskers at home and was very upset. My wonderful husband sent him to me at camp and put airholes in the box. :)
Whiskers traveled with me to Europe and gave me the courage to go to the top of the Eifle Tower. I cried on the way up, but I did it and have a picture of me and Whiskers at the top! On another trip to Europe, Whiskers jumped off my lap in my Swiss daughter's car on the way to the airport. When I realized he was gone, I cried. I cried an awefully lot on the trip home. My Swiss(exchange student) daughter called to let me know he was safe. That week I got a box with "air holes" in it. Whiskers was safely inside with a blanket and mazipan carrots! People who knew me and loved me knew how important Whiskers was to me.
My son (Sam) was in the Air Force and my family went to San Antonio, Texas to watch him graduate. The trip was great but sadly, on the way back home, Whiskers was lost. It was so hard to accept it. We called different airports and air lines and never found him.
I always thought that I would never survive without that little bunnie, that he would be with me in my coffin. What I learned by losing Whisker's is this. Whiskers was there through all the really bad and difficult times when I really needed him the most. He never let me down. But by losing him I realized that I was holding on too tightly and I needed to trust the One who can really hold me in His loving arms and protect me. The One who said,"I'm am with you always, even to the ends of the earth." Matt28:20. I was putting Whiskers before God.
I'm not saying that I never needed him. I believe that God gave him to me because he was what I needed at that time. I carried that sweet little bunnie, Whiskers around with me for 16 years. He was worn and torn and was missing stuffing and he was the best bunnie and friend ever. He was always there when I needed him. I thank God for Whiskers and the security he gave me.
This is why my blog is named Whiskers'Memories.....everyone of my memories of Whiskers, make me smile. He helped me through some very bad times. Thanks Whiskers!

For my first post, I just want to say hello to all my fellow bloggers out there and I am going to enjoy getting to know you. Hello to Dragonfly Wings, Painted Maypole and Rose Daugher.

A Post for My Mom

This is not Crazy Grandma Judi writing...it's her daughter, the Dragonfly. She asked me to get her blog started...so here I am. :) I wish I could just sit down with her and help her figure it out herself, but since she's in Michigan and I'm in Germany that's a bit difficult. I don't mind doing all the set up work, though. It's kind of fun picking colors, and finding a picture for the header, and even doing a bit of rambling. I ramble a lot on my blog, and now I can do it on someone else's!!

Mom will tell you about Whiskers, of course, and why the title of the blog is significant...but for now I'll just say that Whiskers was special. And he was a bunny (if you didn't get that from the general theme going on...).

And now no more rambling...back to work for me! :)