Never been normal

Hi! Just for the record, I am NOT something special because I love my guys or because of Little Debi. I'm just me. Not "normal" like most people, just me. I used to go to therapy and tell my therapist,Jay, that I just wanted to be normal. She'd ask me what normal was. "Just you know, normal, like everybody else." I could never get it through my thick skull that how I was was "normal"...for me. I just wanted so desperately to be like others, but I never was.

Back then I was having many problems. I had many, many different personalities. They were created to protect me from what was happening to me as a child. They all did a very good job too. I didn't even consciously know that they were there.

I was 28 years old when I had my son and that is when everything fell apart. I was afraid of him and didn't know why and didn't want to change him. I was afraid I might do something to him but didn't know what. I was afraid to get my picture taken because I knew it would show up on my forehead that I was a bad girl. Then, while making love with my husband, I flew out of bed and into a corner crying, "no daddy!" I had NO clue as to what was going on! I told one of my sisters what had happened and she said it was dad that hurt us. I was sooooo angry at her. What was she saying! That is not right. I loved my dad. I had him on a pedestal. That is when I began having total blackouts. Sometimes when I was "back" I would find cigarettes in my purse. I didn't smoke, but Cindy did and swore like a drunken sailor. Little Judy would ask for candy bars, so I enjoyed when I came back from those times. My kids loved Little Judy. She would come out whenever I was real sleepy and didn't feel safe. It was truly hell on earth for me and my family. My husband never knew who he'd be coming home to from work. The prominent ones were Little Judy at 5 and one at 7 and Cindy at 19. There were others, some even boys....AND this is why I never felt "normal" like everyone else! They were always there but I didn't remember the blackouts and didn't understand when I was 'different.' Things began to make more sense to me.

In therapy I literally went through what he had done to me, I felt what he had done to me. It was like reliving it all over again. It was painful and hurt like hell to go through. I would not take medication that would make me not feel anything. I wanted to go through it with my eyes open wide and get to the other side. I never understood why you are given pills to make you feel 'better' but also keeps you from taking control and working through the problem. What good does that do.??????

I must tell you that I have a sister, D. She does not believe that this has happened to me. That made me mad at first but I am now okay with it. D has her thoughts and I mine. I love my big sister D, very much. We are now more like best friends than sisters. We just agreed to not talk about "he who must not be mentioned" and also"she who must not be mentioned." If we do start to talk about them, we say,"he who must...." and then start to laugh and go on to other things. It works for us and it's fantastic because I love having a sister again! She's awesome and I don't ever want to lose her again.

And now, back to "normal." I LOVE being different! I don't want to be normal. I don't want to be like everyone else. I just want to be me....a 4 year old trapped in a grandma's body. I love having a child's attitude. It's so much fun! And, now if someone doesn't like it or is offended....oh well, it their problem, not mine, because I'm ME!, and I am a survivor!

Someday I'll tell you what became of my "little ones."

I really didn't mean to write about all of this. I just wanted to let you know that I am just me and I'm not special because of things I have done in my life. We all go through things and handle them in our own way.