Hi! Just for the record, I am NOT something special because I love my guys or because of Little Debi. I'm just me. Not "normal" like most people, just me. I used to go to therapy and tell my therapist,Jay, that I just wanted to be normal. She'd ask me what normal was. "Just you know, normal, like everybody else." I could never get it through my thick skull that how I was was "normal"...for me. I just wanted so desperately to be like others, but I never was.
Back then I was having many problems. I had many, many different personalities. They were created to protect me from what was happening to me as a child. They all did a very good job too. I didn't even consciously know that they were there.
I was 28 years old when I had my son and that is when everything fell apart. I was afraid of him and didn't know why and didn't want to change him. I was afraid I might do something to him but didn't know what. I was afraid to get my picture taken because I knew it would show up on my forehead that I was a bad girl. Then, while making love with my husband, I flew out of bed and into a corner crying, "no daddy!" I had NO clue as to what was going on! I told one of my sisters what had happened and she said it was dad that hurt us. I was sooooo angry at her. What was she saying! That is not right. I loved my dad. I had him on a pedestal. That is when I began having total blackouts. Sometimes when I was "back" I would find cigarettes in my purse. I didn't smoke, but Cindy did and swore like a drunken sailor. Little Judy would ask for candy bars, so I enjoyed when I came back from those times. My kids loved Little Judy. She would come out whenever I was real sleepy and didn't feel safe. It was truly hell on earth for me and my family. My husband never knew who he'd be coming home to from work. The prominent ones were Little Judy at 5 and one at 7 and Cindy at 19. There were others, some even boys....AND this is why I never felt "normal" like everyone else! They were always there but I didn't remember the blackouts and didn't understand when I was 'different.' Things began to make more sense to me.
In therapy I literally went through what he had done to me, I felt what he had done to me. It was like reliving it all over again. It was painful and hurt like hell to go through. I would not take medication that would make me not feel anything. I wanted to go through it with my eyes open wide and get to the other side. I never understood why you are given pills to make you feel 'better' but also keeps you from taking control and working through the problem. What good does that do.??????
I must tell you that I have a sister, D. She does not believe that this has happened to me. That made me mad at first but I am now okay with it. D has her thoughts and I mine. I love my big sister D, very much. We are now more like best friends than sisters. We just agreed to not talk about "he who must not be mentioned" and also"she who must not be mentioned." If we do start to talk about them, we say,"he who must...." and then start to laugh and go on to other things. It works for us and it's fantastic because I love having a sister again! She's awesome and I don't ever want to lose her again.
And now, back to "normal." I LOVE being different! I don't want to be normal. I don't want to be like everyone else. I just want to be me....a 4 year old trapped in a grandma's body. I love having a child's attitude. It's so much fun! And, now if someone doesn't like it or is offended....oh well, it their problem, not mine, because I'm ME!, and I am a survivor!
Someday I'll tell you what became of my "little ones."
I really didn't mean to write about all of this. I just wanted to let you know that I am just me and I'm not special because of things I have done in my life. We all go through things and handle them in our own way.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Sunday, March 2, 2008
My Guys
I have a fantastic job! I work 8 to 2 Monday thru Thursday. On Friday I work 8-2 at my job and then go and work at another home (ladies) from 2:30-9:30.
I work in an Adult Home for mentally and physically diabled men and women. I am a day programer. I have 3 guys that I get to spend time with everyday. We exercise, paint, play games, do crafts, eat lunch and snack together and go on outings. And they call it a job! I call it fun! My guys are awesome, sweet, cute and I love them and love being able to spend my days with them. Don't get me wrong, it's not all fun and games, we do have our tough times like anyone else. It's just special, if you know what I mean.
Last week I was out with the guys. We had gone to K-Mart to do some shopping. (the guys LOVE to shop) I was putting the lift down for my guy in the wheelchair. A friend came up to me and I couldn't even remember her name because of the look on her face. She said,"what are you doing?" I answered that this was my job now. (horror on her face) " I'm glad you can do it, I couldn't."
I must admit that I am hearing that alot. That it takes 'special' people to do what I do. I consider myself lucky to have this job. Like I said before, my guys are AWESOME! With all the "not so good cards" that have been dealt them, they have such life and enjoy life. They don't ask, why me. They are good people with big hearts. I feel very blessed to be working with these men. They make me feel wonderful, when they are sooo happy to see me. I have one guy that is always saying to me,"I like you I do," as he shyly tilts his head. See how lucky I am!
I have been working for this company for a few years now as a sub. I would go from home to home, which was fun. I met so may people. But then I was offered this full time possition. It was a very hard decision. I would leave all the other homes behind.
Let me back up a bit. I was working full time (3rd shift) at an assisted living/nursing home/hospice. Was called an assisted living establishment but...... I loved the people there but there was way to much drama among the workers and the boss was so not christian and so not nice or good to the people or workers there. So, I quit. Before this job I had taken my CNA class and just need to take my state test. So, I finally got my cna. I can go back to a nursing home or to a hospital and get paid at least 3-4 dollars and hour more, and we could really use the money, but, I just can't give up all that I have with these men and all that they give me, for more money. I believe that God has put me in this place, in this job for a reason. I'd like for him to be in control. He does a much better job then me....for sure!
Oh yes, my hubby told me that if I like what I'm doing, not to worry about the money. Being happy in my job is more important. I think my one and only, true guy, is the best, don't you.
So, the next time you see a group like us out shopping, walking the mall, at the library, just say hi. My guys are friendly and special and will brighten your day with a smile. I'm not special in what I do for a living, I'm just blessed to be working with God's VERY SPECIAL children.
I work in an Adult Home for mentally and physically diabled men and women. I am a day programer. I have 3 guys that I get to spend time with everyday. We exercise, paint, play games, do crafts, eat lunch and snack together and go on outings. And they call it a job! I call it fun! My guys are awesome, sweet, cute and I love them and love being able to spend my days with them. Don't get me wrong, it's not all fun and games, we do have our tough times like anyone else. It's just special, if you know what I mean.
Last week I was out with the guys. We had gone to K-Mart to do some shopping. (the guys LOVE to shop) I was putting the lift down for my guy in the wheelchair. A friend came up to me and I couldn't even remember her name because of the look on her face. She said,"what are you doing?" I answered that this was my job now. (horror on her face) " I'm glad you can do it, I couldn't."
I must admit that I am hearing that alot. That it takes 'special' people to do what I do. I consider myself lucky to have this job. Like I said before, my guys are AWESOME! With all the "not so good cards" that have been dealt them, they have such life and enjoy life. They don't ask, why me. They are good people with big hearts. I feel very blessed to be working with these men. They make me feel wonderful, when they are sooo happy to see me. I have one guy that is always saying to me,"I like you I do," as he shyly tilts his head. See how lucky I am!
I have been working for this company for a few years now as a sub. I would go from home to home, which was fun. I met so may people. But then I was offered this full time possition. It was a very hard decision. I would leave all the other homes behind.
Let me back up a bit. I was working full time (3rd shift) at an assisted living/nursing home/hospice. Was called an assisted living establishment but...... I loved the people there but there was way to much drama among the workers and the boss was so not christian and so not nice or good to the people or workers there. So, I quit. Before this job I had taken my CNA class and just need to take my state test. So, I finally got my cna. I can go back to a nursing home or to a hospital and get paid at least 3-4 dollars and hour more, and we could really use the money, but, I just can't give up all that I have with these men and all that they give me, for more money. I believe that God has put me in this place, in this job for a reason. I'd like for him to be in control. He does a much better job then me....for sure!
Oh yes, my hubby told me that if I like what I'm doing, not to worry about the money. Being happy in my job is more important. I think my one and only, true guy, is the best, don't you.
So, the next time you see a group like us out shopping, walking the mall, at the library, just say hi. My guys are friendly and special and will brighten your day with a smile. I'm not special in what I do for a living, I'm just blessed to be working with God's VERY SPECIAL children.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Little Debi
Today is a hard day for me. You see, thirty three years ago today, I had a very beautiful baby girl, I named Debi Marie. Because of circumstances, I had to put Little Debi up for adoption. It hurts every Feb. 28th. To be honest, it hurts, just hurts at anytime. It was truly the hardest thing I have ever had to do. My daughter needed a mother and a a father. She also needed a stable environment. She would not have had that with me. I have had a bad childhood and she did not deserve one too.
I always said, "no one would ever take my baby from me." Well, I was wrong. I had to let her go for her own good. Usually I'm selfish and if it's going to hurt me or make me sad, I take care of my feelings first. This was just to important to look to my needs first. This was my little girl's life and I had to take it seriously.
When I went to the adoption agency I asked about the couple who would raise my little girl. The woman had been pregnant and lost the baby when she was six months along. She then found out that she would not be able to have anymore children. Her husband owned his own business. The wife worked in a lab of some sort and said she would quit her job to take care of Little Debi. I was brought up Catholic and I did not want that for her. The couple were Lutheran. I had gone to a Lutheran Church before and had liked it.
I was living with my sister, Debi, in my third trimester. She had told me that I could live with her and take care of the baby there and she would help me. I almost went along with that, I just knew I wouldn't be able to give her up, without even seeing her. The night before I went into labor, I watched a movie called, Unwed Father. The mother took care of her baby in the hospital while she was there and then gave the child up. I knew then, that if I could take care of my child while in the hospital, talk with her, change her...that I then would be able to let her go to her new parents, her real parents. So, I held her, I changed her, checked her fingers and toes, had many one sided conversations with her and held and sang to her.
When it was time, I just died. Walking out of that hospital without her in my arms. It hurt so much! I never cried so much in my life. I kept telling myself that it was for Little Debi that I was doing this.
I made sure that I signed the adoption papers as soon as I could, which was March 11. My reasoning for that was that I did not want her parents to miss out one minute longer then they had to, of her first days. That is a very special bonding time and the waiting to me was very stupid. I know it was for me to make sure that this was what I really wanted to do. But, in doing so, that couple missed almost 2 weeks of their new baby's life. That made me sad.
I sent a few clothes, blankets and booties along with little Debi and also two letters. The first one was to Little Debi. I told her that she was to love her parents and that I loved them very much for taking her in with so much love for her. I was not the one who fixed a skinned knee, or held her when her heart was broken by some boy. They are her real parents in every sense of the word. It didn't matter that they didn't give birth to her. The second letter was to her parents thanking them for the wonderful gift they were giving Little Debi and that I loved them for that. I asked them to give the letter to her when she was older and could understand.
I can not believe that I'm sharing this with any of you who read it. My heart would break at every special holiday and her birthday. I truly know what it means when someone says they have a broken heart. I now try to smile when I say happy birthday. I imagine her with her own family, her own children. What joy that brings me. I have two other children, dragonfly and my son, Sam. I would love to see Little Debi again and give her hugs and so much love. I was going to look for her but it worried my husband. He had seen me hurt so much by people, in the past that he was afraid that little Debi would be mad at me for giving her up. I didn't do it then for his sake, but I feel it may be time to really try now to find her. I don't even know her but I have so much love in my heart for her.
Thank you for taking time to read this. I hope in some way it will touch your heart.
I always said, "no one would ever take my baby from me." Well, I was wrong. I had to let her go for her own good. Usually I'm selfish and if it's going to hurt me or make me sad, I take care of my feelings first. This was just to important to look to my needs first. This was my little girl's life and I had to take it seriously.
When I went to the adoption agency I asked about the couple who would raise my little girl. The woman had been pregnant and lost the baby when she was six months along. She then found out that she would not be able to have anymore children. Her husband owned his own business. The wife worked in a lab of some sort and said she would quit her job to take care of Little Debi. I was brought up Catholic and I did not want that for her. The couple were Lutheran. I had gone to a Lutheran Church before and had liked it.
I was living with my sister, Debi, in my third trimester. She had told me that I could live with her and take care of the baby there and she would help me. I almost went along with that, I just knew I wouldn't be able to give her up, without even seeing her. The night before I went into labor, I watched a movie called, Unwed Father. The mother took care of her baby in the hospital while she was there and then gave the child up. I knew then, that if I could take care of my child while in the hospital, talk with her, change her...that I then would be able to let her go to her new parents, her real parents. So, I held her, I changed her, checked her fingers and toes, had many one sided conversations with her and held and sang to her.
When it was time, I just died. Walking out of that hospital without her in my arms. It hurt so much! I never cried so much in my life. I kept telling myself that it was for Little Debi that I was doing this.
I made sure that I signed the adoption papers as soon as I could, which was March 11. My reasoning for that was that I did not want her parents to miss out one minute longer then they had to, of her first days. That is a very special bonding time and the waiting to me was very stupid. I know it was for me to make sure that this was what I really wanted to do. But, in doing so, that couple missed almost 2 weeks of their new baby's life. That made me sad.
I sent a few clothes, blankets and booties along with little Debi and also two letters. The first one was to Little Debi. I told her that she was to love her parents and that I loved them very much for taking her in with so much love for her. I was not the one who fixed a skinned knee, or held her when her heart was broken by some boy. They are her real parents in every sense of the word. It didn't matter that they didn't give birth to her. The second letter was to her parents thanking them for the wonderful gift they were giving Little Debi and that I loved them for that. I asked them to give the letter to her when she was older and could understand.
I can not believe that I'm sharing this with any of you who read it. My heart would break at every special holiday and her birthday. I truly know what it means when someone says they have a broken heart. I now try to smile when I say happy birthday. I imagine her with her own family, her own children. What joy that brings me. I have two other children, dragonfly and my son, Sam. I would love to see Little Debi again and give her hugs and so much love. I was going to look for her but it worried my husband. He had seen me hurt so much by people, in the past that he was afraid that little Debi would be mad at me for giving her up. I didn't do it then for his sake, but I feel it may be time to really try now to find her. I don't even know her but I have so much love in my heart for her.
Thank you for taking time to read this. I hope in some way it will touch your heart.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Good morning everyone,
I hope my daugher, Dragonfly doesn't mind. This was written my her, for me for mother's day. The date was May 14, 2000.
Sometimes a bunny is more than a bunny.
Most look and see something
old, a worn and ragged
rabbit named Whiskers who doesn't
actually have any whiskers.
His stuffing migrates
to his feet and he is beyond
needing a bath.
But he is not just fabric
and fur, He whispers
without speaking, hugs without
moving, loves without a beating
heart. Without a mouth
he smiles. And even in the dark,
you see.
Thanks Dragonfly. What a wonderful memory you have given me of Whiskers. He will live in my heart forever and this poem will too.
I hope my daugher, Dragonfly doesn't mind. This was written my her, for me for mother's day. The date was May 14, 2000.
Sometimes a bunny is more than a bunny.
Most look and see something
old, a worn and ragged
rabbit named Whiskers who doesn't
actually have any whiskers.
His stuffing migrates
to his feet and he is beyond
needing a bath.
But he is not just fabric
and fur, He whispers
without speaking, hugs without
moving, loves without a beating
heart. Without a mouth
he smiles. And even in the dark,
you see.
Thanks Dragonfly. What a wonderful memory you have given me of Whiskers. He will live in my heart forever and this poem will too.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Thanks for the warm welcome!
Hello all, and thank you soooo much for the nice warm welcome you have given me. You all make me feel...loved. I know alot of you already from my daughter's blog, dragonfly. I love reading all your comments....especially about my wonderful grandson. Isn't he adorable! Sound like a grandma don't I. I think I was born to be a grandma and a crazy one at that!
Are alot of you stay home moms? I was when my kids were small....a hundred years ago. I think I'm finding it hard to figure out what to write and also finding time between, work, housework, church functions and of course, talking with my daughter on the internet and watching my grandson grow up on it. Speaking of church functions....I'm suppose to be a church for praise team practice 5 minutes ago! To all of you, thanks again for visiting me. :)
Are alot of you stay home moms? I was when my kids were small....a hundred years ago. I think I'm finding it hard to figure out what to write and also finding time between, work, housework, church functions and of course, talking with my daughter on the internet and watching my grandson grow up on it. Speaking of church functions....I'm suppose to be a church for praise team practice 5 minutes ago! To all of you, thanks again for visiting me. :)
Sunday, February 17, 2008
The "Whiskers" in my life.
Growing up in my family, well let's just say not everything was , rosie. So, I brought some insecurities into my grown up life....like most people.
When my daughter was 8 and my son, 4, we went to a craft show at West Catholic High School. There, I found the sweetest homemade bunnie. I purchased him and named him Whiskers. He had no whiskers on his face, so hence the name Whiskers. He went everywhere with me. He was in fact, my security bunnie. He slept with me everynight. I held him under his front paws all the time. He had NO stuffing left where I held him! It all moved down to him bottom. People would laugh at Whiskers, but to me he was just very muched loved. I had to restuff him many times. He was truely a sorce of comfort to me and my insecurities.
Once I went to camp for a week to be "bunnymom" to all the conselor's children. I had forgotten Whiskers at home and was very upset. My wonderful husband sent him to me at camp and put airholes in the box. :)
Whiskers traveled with me to Europe and gave me the courage to go to the top of the Eifle Tower. I cried on the way up, but I did it and have a picture of me and Whiskers at the top! On another trip to Europe, Whiskers jumped off my lap in my Swiss daughter's car on the way to the airport. When I realized he was gone, I cried. I cried an awefully lot on the trip home. My Swiss(exchange student) daughter called to let me know he was safe. That week I got a box with "air holes" in it. Whiskers was safely inside with a blanket and mazipan carrots! People who knew me and loved me knew how important Whiskers was to me.
My son (Sam) was in the Air Force and my family went to San Antonio, Texas to watch him graduate. The trip was great but sadly, on the way back home, Whiskers was lost. It was so hard to accept it. We called different airports and air lines and never found him.
I always thought that I would never survive without that little bunnie, that he would be with me in my coffin. What I learned by losing Whisker's is this. Whiskers was there through all the really bad and difficult times when I really needed him the most. He never let me down. But by losing him I realized that I was holding on too tightly and I needed to trust the One who can really hold me in His loving arms and protect me. The One who said,"I'm am with you always, even to the ends of the earth." Matt28:20. I was putting Whiskers before God.
I'm not saying that I never needed him. I believe that God gave him to me because he was what I needed at that time. I carried that sweet little bunnie, Whiskers around with me for 16 years. He was worn and torn and was missing stuffing and he was the best bunnie and friend ever. He was always there when I needed him. I thank God for Whiskers and the security he gave me.
This is why my blog is named Whiskers'Memories.....everyone of my memories of Whiskers, make me smile. He helped me through some very bad times. Thanks Whiskers!
When my daughter was 8 and my son, 4, we went to a craft show at West Catholic High School. There, I found the sweetest homemade bunnie. I purchased him and named him Whiskers. He had no whiskers on his face, so hence the name Whiskers. He went everywhere with me. He was in fact, my security bunnie. He slept with me everynight. I held him under his front paws all the time. He had NO stuffing left where I held him! It all moved down to him bottom. People would laugh at Whiskers, but to me he was just very muched loved. I had to restuff him many times. He was truely a sorce of comfort to me and my insecurities.
Once I went to camp for a week to be "bunnymom" to all the conselor's children. I had forgotten Whiskers at home and was very upset. My wonderful husband sent him to me at camp and put airholes in the box. :)
Whiskers traveled with me to Europe and gave me the courage to go to the top of the Eifle Tower. I cried on the way up, but I did it and have a picture of me and Whiskers at the top! On another trip to Europe, Whiskers jumped off my lap in my Swiss daughter's car on the way to the airport. When I realized he was gone, I cried. I cried an awefully lot on the trip home. My Swiss(exchange student) daughter called to let me know he was safe. That week I got a box with "air holes" in it. Whiskers was safely inside with a blanket and mazipan carrots! People who knew me and loved me knew how important Whiskers was to me.
My son (Sam) was in the Air Force and my family went to San Antonio, Texas to watch him graduate. The trip was great but sadly, on the way back home, Whiskers was lost. It was so hard to accept it. We called different airports and air lines and never found him.
I always thought that I would never survive without that little bunnie, that he would be with me in my coffin. What I learned by losing Whisker's is this. Whiskers was there through all the really bad and difficult times when I really needed him the most. He never let me down. But by losing him I realized that I was holding on too tightly and I needed to trust the One who can really hold me in His loving arms and protect me. The One who said,"I'm am with you always, even to the ends of the earth." Matt28:20. I was putting Whiskers before God.
I'm not saying that I never needed him. I believe that God gave him to me because he was what I needed at that time. I carried that sweet little bunnie, Whiskers around with me for 16 years. He was worn and torn and was missing stuffing and he was the best bunnie and friend ever. He was always there when I needed him. I thank God for Whiskers and the security he gave me.
This is why my blog is named Whiskers'Memories.....everyone of my memories of Whiskers, make me smile. He helped me through some very bad times. Thanks Whiskers!
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